11. The inner struggle {EN}

We sat by the fire across each other, in silence at first. Our breaths were heavy and a sigh of relief was spot on. Another sync. This day gets weirder by the hour.

 I left my reason

suspended somewhere in the branches

of the tree I've seen the ghost-snake in.

It lays somewhere in the dirt

under Nora's knees

that she

angrily wept off

after I helped her up.

It runs somewhere along the horizon

of this paradise they call home,

amidst thousands of glittering lights

that fall from the Tree every night...

and any last bit of reason I have

hangs on the tip of her tail,

beyond that, pure Wonder.

I fear the things that I might say

 if she's in search of answers

and to be fully honest with myself

I fear the truth that fills my being in her presence.

I am not used to this...

this world just wants too much of me,

things I had not known were mine to give...

She's a disturbing factor. Asses the risks, protect the Order. Hush hush, bastardo! Let me be free to wander. He's always in my mind, damn, he is a master of his skill.

The mighty Lord Commander, sir, your highness piece of shit. I will break this programming I swear. You owe him your life, Ale. He found you and he let you live. Respect the hand that feeds you, son.

Since I've left the scouting unit last week my mind was numb. At first a flush of erratic thoughts washed over me and I just let them go.

I'm done, I can't go on with them, this is not me, not what I see my future in...the army and its mind tricks.

I cannot grasp what fills my blood with rebellious thoughts, but ever since I came here it only grew deeper...and now this...how can I ever pinpoint this in words to tell another what I've just seen...Others have died for this, it's devil's work, my son....

How can a child ever forget the flames that melt a skin,

the screams of hatred,

Bruja, bruja! ....

and then, most powerful of all,

her silence in the face of death,

the smile that took her into the Great Silence,

she looked at me, a tiny human,

with eyes so big and kind and blue,

I held her gaze while she crossed over

and I feared not. Why?

Why - reason fails me, but

from beyond the flames I felt

a window opening into eternity and

God was there.

I felt the sweet voice of a mother

whisper in my head

and only mine in all that crowd..

she broke the silence

Fear not, dear child,

for we are all eternal

and we're just visiting the Now...

I lived in Truth,

I Loved with all my being

and I was free.

I'm simply going home.

Who was this woman I don't know, But Nora and her tricks have brought her vivid picture back and in a way they look alike...Now that I remember better...

The pointy ears and feline looking curves,

Their hair like manes of sunset colors

That blend into the flames.

The Lord said once nothing like that should be allowed to live, that which is not of his world... He made that clear and made me think that magic is indeed an enemy that you don't deal with, you destroy...

How can this be, Here, in this world...

Where magic is

Inside...me.

I guess that moment was for me like the first crack into pristine glass. A fissure in the trust I had that he knew better for me, a tear into the mask of father he oh-so-bravely puts on when it suits him...but then, the snake will always shed his skin....this line he drew and then stamped over, a crack which the weight of the seasons would only lengthen and widen to complete rupture.

I feel this window is about to break.

-Are you unwell? You seem distraught...is it something I said, Alessandro?

- I was a bit lost in my head. You've reminded me of someone. Someone I'd never forget.

- What was her name?

- I do not know.

- Memorable indeed. I puffed, not amused by her pun. 

- It's not like that, Nora...it's...well, it has to do with magic.

- Is it not common where you come from?

- It's...feared, forbidden...

- Mostly hidden, then.

- ...Or gone.

She laughed sincerely at what I said. I was unsure why and quite frustrated that she'd make a joke on such a serious subject. My words came up a lot harsher than I intended when I said:

- I don't see what's funny, you actually reminded me of someone I saw dying. I've seen people flayed for less than what I did myself today in terms of magic.

- Tell me more. I'm sorry, I'll explain what triggered my amusement.

- You first then, explain yourself and maybe I'll tell you my horror story, I'm not sure I'm in the mood to tell it right away.

Nora realized she made me uncomfortable and changed her posture. She softened her gaze and her face was whispering a quiet sorry. A smirk lit up her face and those deep green eyes were glistening across the fire, piercing my heart through.

- Truly speaking, there is no end to Magic.

It's all there ever is...

this is the Logos of the worlds,

it is the blood of the great creatrix,

the ever flowing state of being

from one thing to the next.

If magic's gone, so is this universe.

There is a line,

a veil so thin

a breath is both in front and after....

a border in your worldly view

beyond which nature co-creates with you

and you're no longer like clay in her hands...

and that, my love...

that line is up to you.

- Truly speaking, I've crossed some lines today I never even thought I had in place.

- And you'll cross more if you allow yourself to fully live into this world. Let's talk more over a cup of tea. Would you like that?

- Tea? Here?

- Yes, love, we're not barbarians, you know. We take care of each other around here. You don't leave your kin uncared for when in dire need. Look around, Alessandro. You're safe in this ascondo. I wish you'd truly feel that and lay down your weapons too. I promised.

- Is that blade hanging by the fire your only weapon?

- Well, you can't really pull a sharp tongue out and sew it back on. I might say words that hurt sometimes. I laughed at her idea but actually thought of other things I’d do to her tongue...or with. Or how I’d truly make her shut up sometimes...

- I'll manage.

Nora walked over to the back of the cave searching for something. She mentioned some herbs I didn't quite get, mumbled something to herself and came back by the fire with a handful of dried leaves.

- Hold this.

- what tea is this?

- something you need. Wild thyme, like you. Wild flowers too. Go on, smell this. It's good, trust me. I always make good drinks.

- You're a good witch. She laughed light-heartedly at that one.

- You're fun to have around, Ales.

- Yes you may call me that, we're friends now.

- Are we?

- I promised didn't I? No really, I like it. No-one has ever called me that.

- Happy naming day then. I'll drink to that.

- How's that tea going?

- Not making itself. On it. Hold the herbs a bit longer...friend.