2. The remembering

Love yourself before loving the other.

You are the other. The love you choose is the key.

Captain Nora's Journal

I cannot sleep. I can merely say I pass through a latent existence. Aware of nothing, unplugged from my senses, yet awake. Alas, let's say we were asleep, hugged on a corner of a street.

That's how I remembered.

He touched my lips with his and I recognized a kiss. I felt his hand around my waist and I knew a hug. I felt his entire being wrap around me and I recognized Love - our only weapon against the Unknown.

A mad man, one that recalls nothing, living blind, mute and deaf, screaming inside and searching the Darkness in vain for a trace of self - I was such a man. Love opened my eyes, gave me power to scream and feel.

Since then, I forgot nothing.

I tried remembering our late life together, yet I was gathering pieces that didn't fit well, building a castle of thoughts with no structure, floating in the air. I'm missing the thread that connects the ends, I watch a play out of which acts an characters are missing.

Then I fell "asleep" again.

When I opened my eyes we were in the middle of a desert, no heat. The sun was shining bright, absorbing heat instead of offering it. Actually, I couldn't point a sun, light was coming from all sides. The entire sky was an uniform cold light source.

I sat on the sand facing him. I caught his palm and we gazed at each other for a while. I smiled for the first time since we met and for my tired cheeks the effort was unbearable. My face is a stone sculpture slowly animated by life, as is my interior.

Around us, only sand. Stones broken down into oblivion. The suitcases we carry are next to us, yet I can't bring myself to ask what about them.

Do you know who I am - my own voice sounds foreign. Dry and void of energy, stuck in my throat. I adjust my voice. He replies, cupping my hand:

Do you still love me? timidly, barely a whisper. Then I realized he truly knows who I am. He looked at me as a mirror as well.

What do you remember of us? I'm eagerly waiting for a reply, ah, curiosity, I've missed you amongst feelings!

He inhales and sighs at the same time.

He: Everything, do you believe me?

Me: It's like all the stories I've been in are within me, an indistinguishable mix of emotions, memory fragments, bits of sensations. I remember everything, yet nothing exactly...out of which end to untangle this mess?

You: I guess we have as many stories as sand grains around us.

She: This place feels infinite.

He: Do you think we have an end?

Me: You know very well I can't answer that. Look at me. Am I the same soul that carried your hand through hundreds of stories?

He: A magnet's poles are apart, yet always together. You feel something similar for me, don't you? Something hidden pulls you...how do you explain this connection?

She: When we take a human shape we separate love from pain and tragedy, passion from hate, love from bitterness, do you understand where I'm going with this?

You: Do you think I'm not sorry for it?

Me: Don't be. Do you remember everything?

He: As vague and complete as you.

Me: then you begin to understand why our lives happened the way they did, what purpose wounds and tears have.

He: If I hurt you that much, circle back to the answer you avoid, how do you explain this connection? What made you come all the way Here?

She: What else if not Love. Isn't that what saves us?

I grab his wrist.

Me: What's happening, you're becoming translucent.

He caresses my hand, his skin cold as ice. I shiver and stand up, look around. The sand turns glassy and through it comes darkness.

He: Have you ever seen something alike?

She: Where the hell are we?

He: Hold my hand and don't let go.

How is this possible? In my hand I feel warmth and shiver again. I shouldn't fuss this much, I know his voice, it carries thoughtfulness, decisiveness, as well as some uncertainty and unrest.

It's surprising how one touch can shield you from panic, yet I also remember the beginning of the litany I tell myself when alone „Fear is the mind killer.”

He: What did you say? What was that?

My attention follows the sound, a ripple like a cobra's rattling tail, melted in a metallic river, a whisper that resembles a howl and rattles you to the bones: ”fearrrrrrrffffffffffeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr....”

She: I only thought about it...

He: Shh....listen....crickets in the distance...they are...above?!

With each sound I saw circular ripples break into the sky and how in the extremities, where these waves met, Darkness came from beyond.

We watched in silence, this dance of spheres that turn into stars, leave the sky and fall over us, extinguishing in the sand.

I have no clue when I lost my contour

When the edges of our fingers disappeared.

By the end I was only holding a light in my palm.

The last one to die was our connection.

Darkness.

Be not afraid, I am still here, I feel you.

Something as beautiful and tragic is rare.

Endless flickers of light flew towards infinity around us. They lay dead at our feet as cold, dark sand grains. In darkness and silence, I hear a heart beat.

A faint shiver veils me, because I'm yet to have borders.

I fell like an incomplete vibration, I shiver as I propagate. I feel warmth. Waves of hugs are around me, radiating from a source. I touch.

I am overwhelmed by my own shape. I am made by all moments of Now that alternate between being and nothingness on the music of the vibration within.

So this is how Time passes, from Now to Now. What is no Now, is Never.

He: Or Always.

His voice sent me stone-still. I reply, barely a whisper: you....

He: I told you, don't be afraid.

Me: You...were....in my mind - I keep back my words.

He: Here and Now. Yes. Let's not search for meaning for all we already seen and lived. It's been a while since I witnessed this kind of Darkness. Listen to my voice and open your heart. I am here.

Me: It's just like back then...do you remember?

∞