12. The first kiss {EN&RO}

A grin. Such a crown on her face,

this wild happy line that curls her lips in a hammock

Upon which i rest my joy,

The slightly mischievous puck

Her lips make with desire

To follow her cue

And give in to her world

To meet her in darkness and wonder,

To be her mirror

And live in my truth.

I suddenly felt constrained. My thoughts, the words of Lord Commander, the things I've heard off-world about this place...they all seemed chains that keep me stuck in someone I am no longer.

I zipped down my jacket, inhaling profoundly. I took my gun out the first time in a week.

I realized Nora has been watching me when she flinched at the sight of a gun.

She was holding the charred metal ball levitating over the coals. The ball fell, sending some sparks away and Nora grabbed her ear lobe with the burnt fingers. Odd.

I looked at the gun, then back at her and apologized.

She went back to her tea and lifted the ball away from heat with a slight of hand. The ball followed her cues, and went to sit on cold ground by the edge of the cliff.

- Tea is almost ready.

- You asked me to lay down my weapon. I want to show you something. Come here.

She sat up and walked around the fire. I felt her kneeling behind me, holding the tip of her tail on my heart and both hands on my shoulders, in a way hiding behind my back, holding me between her and the gun.

-Show me, she whispered in my ear. 

I felt her warmth amplified by the metallic sort of dress she had on, radiating with all her being.

She was curious.

Almost child like in her gaze,

a little scared,

a little amazed.

-You can touch it if you like.

-Can it hurt me or kill me?

-Only if I use it against you.

-Please don’t.

-I’d never. I promise.

I let her hold my gun and inspect it. Some of her fingers glide weightless over the lines of the gun while she weighs it with her palm. Her touch feels as if she’s caressing a bird, then she grabs the handle in a firm grip that lights up the command panel of the gun. Nora drops the gun and jumps away from me.

-I should’ve told you it does that, sorry. Please don’t be scared, I’ll show you why it lights up. Look.

-This is off-world tech, right? I’ve only seen this from afar.

-Off-world for you, quite common in the star fleets.

-Is it of any help?

-Might save you life one day.

-Might take it, too.

-Fair point. Look, it’s locked with my fingerprints. It lights differently when I hold it, see?

Nora came back and squatted behind my back. She propped one hand on the back of my neck, resting her weight firmly on me, grabbing the collar of my jacket as well. I could feel her nails pressing into my skin.

-Show me, she commanded in a soft purring voice.

-What? You crazy? Why would I fire it around here?

-Can you shoot something at a distance?

-I could, but I don’t want to. I’ll just explain. It shoots out plasma. You calibrate it with this slider to whatever intensity you need. Red light for stun and still, violet to kill, expand, evaporate. The colors in between vary in strength between those ends.

-What if you shoot a wall?

-It dissipates like lightning, might crack a stone, might blow it off entirely.

Nora was staring at the weapon, frozen in her pose, digging her nails deeper into my flesh. Her eyes were focused on the colors of the slider, but her mind was somewhere else. She made this cute little face, one eyebrow higher, a small frown between them brows and lips puckered up.

-It hurts, you know.

-What?

-Your nails.

-Oh, Ales, I’m sorry I...

-Don’t worry about it. My skin has seen worse from a woman’s hands.

-I didn’t even realize I was doing it...

-It’s fine, really, I was just saying that to get you back from wherever you were wandering in your mind. I don’t mind you touching me. I would tell her what to do with those nails instead...Oh God, this tension is insane, I should think more with my brain and focus on the real..

-Your body is so tense, Ales. These muscles on your back are tight and cold.

-I feel it too. I ignore it most of the time, it gets like that after training or other physical stress. We did quite a hike and run today, didn’t we?

-Let me help you with this.

Nora rubbed her hand again over the nail marks she left on my neck then sit down aside me. She asked me to come sit between her legs facing the fire pit, arms on her knees, legs open and relaxed, like I was to drop in a human armchair.

I followed her lead and found a sweet spot between her thighs. She was wearing only her underdress, butt naked on the rocks. I felt the warmth of her womb radiate towards my back, and her dress gently scraping the rocky floor with its edge. She pushed herself a little farther and adjusted her posture so that we’re both comfortable.

I let my hands glide on her knees and calves in the slowest way possible, feeling every inch of skin I could, in a way that would not give away my intention, resting my hands dead-weight on her shins.

Her skin was soft like velvet, with thousand tiny hairs that made up an almost ethereal fur. Her legs caught tiny glitters of light and made the skin shine in a similar way to how the sea reflects the sun at sunset.

My hands were still but my mind was racing with thoughts of touching more, exploring the dark blue waters of her ocean, kneading her flesh under my fingers and mapping every inch I can...

She touched my shoulders gently, her full palms embracing left and right, pressing her body onto her hands in a soft, rocking motion, feeling up the tissues under my skin and meeting them with her friendly touch.

I was deeply aroused and yet I felt her touch was genuinely caring, sisterly of sorts, her fingers scanning me for pain and tension with nothing in mind but release...

-Tell me of your pain, Ales.

-Where do I start?

-Follow my hands and guide them with your words. Hum for me, purr if you like, let your body speak this time and shush your mind.

-What do you mean?

-Is this uncommon where you’re from?

-Maybe, well...yes...it’s weird. No, don’t stop, please, I like it...it’s just that I....you know, we’ve been taught that you people are very private and alone and here you are treating me like one of your own...I’m honored, but also conflicted I guess.

- I see. I bet I’ve heard lies about your kin as well. What if we focus on the truth this time? My muscles tense up at the thought of that.

-You know what, fine.

-Ales, your body doesn’t lie, it’s fine to tell whatever truth you’re comfortable sharing. I was just pointing out the wrongs our society impose....all these stories, stereotypes and shit we hear of each other....Meet me truly. It’s just us two tonight, let’s not waste a good conversation with lies.

-I’d very much like that. But please continue with the massage, it feels great to be honest.

-I’m sure it does. Your body feels like it’s been missing touch. Healing touch that is, not the you know...

-Well, both have been missing in a while. I feel her shiver and shake off an intrusive thought, her skin lit up again with those tiny sparkles...I think I know exactly what part of my words made her blush. Sweet.

She went on, kneading my shoulders through the clothes, upper back and neck, gliding her hands inquisitively under my jacket and shirt. Her hands felt calm, steady and safe. I was melting into her hands and into the fire. A strand of violet hair brushed off my neck and sent shivers down my spine. She whispered:

-It’s time to let this tension go. Whatever sits heavy on your shoulders is ready to go now.

Her touch, her voice, her warmth, this was the spell that bound me further to this land. I was the clay in nature’s hands she so poetically mentioned a few minutes ago...Maybe this poetry of soul is why I feel at ease here....It’s like the way my mind usually speaks of the world now finally reflects harmoniously into being...

I lost the notion of time in that moment, a candid experience of the Forever in every Now, my senses blended into the surroundings, I felt everything and nothing at once and like never before I felt truly seen and held and safe and somehow not so broken...

She bent my head sideways, to rest my temple on her breast and she went on massaging my collarbone, cupping my neck and my jaw in her palm, slowly pressing her fingers into my face, trailing upwards into my hair, brushing gently over my forehead, barely touching my eyelids...

I was like a harp in her hands, behind closed eyes I felt like every stroke was a note in a song I’d love to hear forever....I felt her touch like million little sparks that lit up my inner vision and in this dance we were both lost...

I opened my eyes and she was as lost in the moment as I was, why is this so rare? Why can’t we spend more often the moments fully present and down into our bodies, in sync and in tune with all there ever is? She wasn’t even looking at me, her gaze was set somewhere beyond the fire, my fantasy of her playing my chords like a harp was even more real once I read her face, she was a musician lost in her practice.

She was tracing the midline of my face downwards, my nose and my lips...and then I knew with all my being that I can’t let another moment pass without acting my truth.

I stopped her hand and twisted my body between her knees to face her better. I let her hand go and cupped her face the same way she did mine.

Her face was soft and warm,

her eyes were green, and blue and grey

and Life itself was lit behind them....

It was in that kiss I felt

we both woke up from the same dream,

 her lips were a gateway

into a realm of myself

I had not met before.

She melted away on that doorstep

Like raw honey

I devour,

Licked clean

like a plate of the most delicious cake,

Softly biting into a piece

Of an exotic fruit

That fills my mouth and my soul

With an intoxicating scent

of honeysuckle and thyme.

 ***

The first kiss is a one way ticket to whom you'll be for the Other. A breath past, inside myself there was only me, now I've weaved my heart beats with his and my lips learned new words in an unfamiliar language. Who would've thought this is why I left home this morning?

I was keen on finding Eros and faith brought me face to face with real love....what a cruel, witty joke, what a peculiar string of events and feelings I've just lived, of which I'm barely convinced they were real....

You were resting your head on my chest and I felt how my touch eased your pain and tension your body was clinging to, but was I truly honest and was my help unfeigned? Wasn't I selfish in my touch, to cater to my own pleasure? To satisfy my greedy curiosity?

I was as close to someone your kind as I ever were and all my feelings felt was a visceral resemblance... are we as different as others told us we are? Isn't there blood that runs deep under that sun-kissed skin? What color? Isn't a heart beating in your chest and is it not desire running through our veins?

When you finally kissed me I understood the purpose of that whirlwind of unusual feelings I kept having, I understood what was missing from me and what an unparalleled change meeting the Other is...Oh, Nina, so they're not just stories, but am I ready to flow on Faith's weaves?

We kissed for a moment or an eternity, our lips were dancing to the same music, pulling away and rejoining perfectly every damn time, we were breathing the air saturated with whispers and lust, my hand wanted nothing more than to learn your contour by heart, to touch every hair, caress every muscle....an unquenchable thirst was breeding inside me, a desire to know you inside out... then a terrible fear of losing myself inside you creeped from the tip of my tail and pulled me back from between your lips.

-Ales, no, we..... we shouldn't..

-Nora, I know.. I should've abstained myself, but truth is...

-Truth is you kiss so damn well. Is this how a kiss usually feels?

-So you've never....I mean am I...

-The first.

-I'm honored, honestly...wow, if I knew I wouldn't have forced it I hope you didn't feel awkward, I just...ahhh....damn I should've abstained myself, sorry.....maybe you deserved a first kiss from someone more....

This time I shut his blabbering mouth with more kisses. Would I have ever had the courage to act first? I let my body speak and it had so much to say....

I felt him relieved of the idea of wronging me and by the confirmation that we both wanted it and it really felt like a relief down to the bones, filling every cell with enthusiasm. Now what? What are we?

I withdrew my lips and whispered through those coarse beard hairs under his cheek. My fingers were trailing the contour of his slightly pointy ear, the one unveiled completely by his unusual short hair cut on the left side of his head.

-Don't worry, you'd have never gotten this close without my consent. Now what?

-Maybe it would be wiser to tame our instincts.

-Maybe. Fancy some tea?

But how likely is it to stop a torrent that already broke through a dam? We build a boat and sail to wherever Faith takes us....far away from who we were yesterday and uncertain how far along together. Nora, snap back to reality, you're losing yourself in feelings. The night is long and you need your senses sharp till daylight. He's just a stranger, what do you know about him?

I walked to the spherepot and poured two cups with a slight of hand. My cells were on a magnetic leash to him, ringing with a thrill that was dancing with splendor. The Unknown coiled between my feelings and I realized how many things I still have to learn about myself, about what it means to be human.

I sat across him from the fire, giving myself time and grace to settle everything I've just lived. Who are you lying to, Nora, when everything inside you screams to dive head deep in the waves? Oh, how I'd love to dive in the ocean some time.